Our Thoughts On The Rolling Stones' 50th Anniversary Tour!

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, The Rolling Stones plan on devoting 2013 to yet another world tour.  What makes this trek a little more noteworthy than the others is that the band will be celebrating the 50th anniversary of their formation.  Heck, they're even pulling Bill Wyman out of retirement for the occasion.

Of course, judging by the astronomical ticket prices of past tours, one can only imagine what the upper price point might be on a primo ticket to a 50th Anniversary Rolling Stones (and Bill Wyman, too) show might be, but, after 50 years, one would almost think that there is such a thing as sitting too close to Keith Richards at this point.

I am reminded of the legendary Chicago country band The Sundowners, who were a staple of Loop honky tonks from 1959 to 1989.  By the time I caught them in 1988, they had slowed considerably, played each song with complete disinterest, and looked like mummified versions of their younger selves.  To call them a little crispy around the edges would have been a supreme understatement, yet despite their grizzled appearance, the Sundowners circa 1988 were decades younger than the Stones are today.

Does anyone really wanna hear a 70-year-old play "Satisfaction"?  The answer would be a resounding "no", unless said 70-year-old happens to be Keith Richards, but, even then, it would be said more out of respect than actually wanting to hear Keith play the tune in his current state.  It isn't that he's unable to play the song, it's that not even the creator of the riff can do it justice with 70-year-old hands.

As if that weren't enough, the Stones have a new album out called, uh, "Grrrrr!".  My hunch is that this was their response when the subject of putting out a new album was broached.  As it turns out, it isn't so much a new album as yet another compilation of previously-released tracks with a couple new songs thrown in for good measure.  Without those new tunes, there'd be no way to distinguish the album from the gazillion other compilations the band has released just prior to a world tour.

Quite startlingly, the band has released ten, yes, ten compilations and/or box sets of previously-released material in the last ten years.  The number increases to 12 if you count live albums.  How many studio albums of new material have they released in the last decade?  One.

Many have accused the Stones of selling their souls to the devil.  Of course, the Stones have embraced the connection, going so far as to name one of their albums "Their Satanic Majesties Request".  Thing is, what if they really did sell their souls to the devil and one of the downsides of "eternal youth" is that they are required to tour the globe repeatedly well into their AARP years?

If you look into Keith Richard's craggy eyes, you can almost hear him screaming "Kill me, please!"  There is no way he could have possibly known when he created the iconic riff to "Satisfaction" at the age of 22 that they'd still be propping him up at the age of 70 to play the song to a stadium full of adoring fans.  You don't think he was sick to death of the song, much less Mick Jagger, by the time he was thirty?  Imagine wanting out of a marriage, but having to stay together another 40 years "for the children".

That's why I say that it is now officially time that we gave these guys a fucking rest.  Sure, it's nice to be able to celebrate 50 years as the second most important rock band of all time, but, seriously, enough is enough.  The band themselves seem to be saying as much every time they announce the ticket prices for their latest tour.  It's almost as if the band prices tickets so high in hopes that nobody in their right mind will show up, thus allowing them to stay home, but Keith Richards is ultimately left to mutter "Fucking hell" under his breath every time he walks out to see yet another arena full of chuckleheads eager to relive their glory days.

50th Anniversary tour or not, if we don't collectively band together to stop this nonsense, our children and our children's children will be forced to face the unfortunate prospect of the Rolling Stones' 100th Anniversary tour.  I wish I was kidding.

Superior St. Rehearsal Facility


  1. It's "Grrr". Three r's.

    But, otherwise, absolutely.

  2. The Rolling Stones have sucked since 1974