Mandatory Update To Current Rock Star Qualifications: All Rock Stars MUST Be Bigger-Than-Life!!

** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE! **

TO: ALL ROCK STARS
FROM: DARREN ROBBINS @ THE SHIT

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: ALL ROCK STARS MUST BE BIGGER-THAN-LIFE!

Seriously, Mumford & Sons, this isn't a nineteenth century funeral, man.  The only thing worse than a band drowning in their own self-importance is one that portends to make Pat Boone seem unruly by comparison.  Since when did the most harmlessly handsome young lads to ever grace the Birch County Blossom Spit Festival qualify as ROCK STARS?

And you, the fans?  What gives?  Of all the bands to go ga-ga for, a LOT of you seem to be more into Bon Jovi now than you ever were in high school.  There are SO many cooler bands to worship, believe me.

I hate to admit it, but Holly-Hobbie-doll-come-to-life Taylor Swift had the right idea with her hallucinatory ode to "Alice In Wonderland" at the Grammys, BUT she made the mistake of becoming an extra in her own performance.  A true ROCK STAR remains the focus at all times.


The year is 1981.  See that teeny tiny little guy literally a football field away preening about the stage like a ballerina in day-glo football pants?  You can't take your eys off of him.  Even from 300 feet away, with an inflatable set of lips and a fuckload of balloons dropping from above the stage, the little fucker in the tights remains the center of attention.

Ever seen a singer stand there doing nothing while his guitarist unleashes a tasty guitar solo?  That singer just broke RULE #1: PERFORM AS IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE ONSTAGE.  He may as well have stood there picking his butt.  He would not have looked any more ridiculous.  Even as Keith Richards staggers to the front of the stage for the intro riff to "Satisfaction", his own mom (who flew in from England specifically to see her son) is watching Mick.

That, my friend, is BIGGER-THAN-LIFE.

I mean, do we not deserve to have some bigger-than-life rock stars aside from the usual suspects who, to put it kindly, are a bit long-in-the-tooth.  It's time to thank Vince Neil's bloated carcass for its tireless dedication to keeping it unreal all these years.and usher in a new era of ROCK STARS that we fans can sink our teeth into, so to speak.

But first, a few questions:

• Why do more ROCK STARS not spit blood during their performances?
• When's the last time you wore out a Bic lighter at a Norah Jones concert?
• What does it say about humans as a species that Kenny Chesney made $90 million in a single year just from touring?  I do believe this little factoid is what led to the first exclamation of "WTF!"

It's obvious drastic measures need to be taken to prevent such atrocities from occurring in the future.  Just to help things get moving, we have come up with a handful of...

MANDATORY RULES for ALL ROCK STARS!

1. All rock bands must have evil-looking mascots, a la "Eddie" of Iron Maiden fame, or a hot chick who plays bass (okay, it doesn't really matter which instrument she plays) and enjoys going bra-less whilst wearing a white t-shirt.  This might seem drastic, but, hey, at least you have a choice between a satanic mascot or smoking hot female bandmate.  Mind you, those bands that incorporate BOTH elements into their presentation will be that much further ahead.

2. See Rule #1.

Now put down your ukeleles, pick up those Flying V' guitars & sparkly platform boots, and get to work blowing our fucking minds with your narcissistic and debaucherous ways.  Oh, and if you can find time to knock out some kick-ass jams while yer at it, that would be cool as well.