I Have Seen The Future Of Music And It Is...Fifth Harmony?!

Can you believe that when I published my recent list of the Ten Executives Most Responsible For The Fall Of The Music Industry, a number of people let me have it for having the AUDACITY to put Simon Cowell on my list?  A couple folks were even nice enough to give me a refresher's course on all the good things Cowell has done for the industry, like, and I quote,  "American Idle and X Factor".


I find it endlessly entertaining how blindly these same people devour whatever shit the mainstream media shovels into their pie holes, but when I take the Good Lord Cowell's name in vain, they suddenly get their nose bent out of shape.  I could tell by the misspellings and over-use of the term "should of" that I wasn't dealing with the sharpest tools in the shed, or maybe defending a fucking karaoke judge is a sign of genius?  Yeah, no.

So there I was in the middle of my morning coffee hoping nothing too annoying came on the TV before I could locate the remote.  The TV was turned to NBC so it was only a matter of time before I would contemplate buying a brick.  Making matters worse, "The Today Show" was on, but had thus far succeeded in being innocuous enough to ignore.

As they went to a commercial, though, I caught a brief glimpse of a few tarted up young ladies stumbling clumsily out of some dressing rooms.  "Aerosmith must be performing," I chuckled to myself.  But then one of them walked outside and waved ditzily to the crowd and it dawned on me that these weren't teenage groupies, they were "the talent".

A few moments later, Fifth Harmony was up on stage lip-syncing their little hearts out.

My first thought was that Cowell hadn't just lowered the bar, he'd thrown it on the ground and was now rolling it in dog shit and glitter.  Whatever pretense that used to exist where at least some effort was made to create the allusion (no, I didn't just spell "illusion" wrong) that any of the gals on stage had had anything to do with actually singing the song blaring out of the speakers had been crushed into a fine powder and sprinkled on top of said bar.

How did Fifth Harmony come to be appearing on "The Today Show" you ask?  By hard work and diligence, of course.  These young ladies have no doubt been practicing their instruments for hours a day, honing their songwriting skills, and slugging it out in dive bars in hopes of one day being discovered by a visionary manager who is so taken by their considerable talent and tireless work ethic that he agrees to manage their careers.

I'm just yanking your leg.  The truth is that they finished in third place on "X Factor".

Yep, third place.

The latest signees to Epic Records!
Anyone familiar with the phrase "I finished third. I didn't try at all" need only take one look at Fifth Harmony to see exactly how far one can truly get these days without actually trying.  I mean, these ladies are barely talented enough to stand still for a photo shoot, but there they are performing on national TV, proclaiming to the world...okay, I couldn't quite tell what they were proclaiming because their microphones weren't actually turned on.

What's most hilarious is seeing the millions - yes, millions! - of kids who just accept this as normal.  Anyone wondering how Hitler rose to power need only watch the complete, unquestioning devotion in the eyes of kids who hadn't even heard of Fifth Harmony a week ago.  "Oh, here's the new group I'm supposed to worship.  Mom, I need to go to the mall and buy everything I see with the words 'Fifth Harmony' on it.  Now!"

Of course, Cowell has found the way to tap into the "future foot soldiers" of America and get them to buy every random act he sends their way.  Hell, it isn't even about the music.  In truth, the real money is in selling bed sheets. lunch boxes, action figures and kiddie-size crotchless panties to a generation of kids whose minds are huge blank canvases.  Why teach these impressionable minds that intelligence and talent are their own reward when its so much easier to show kids that wearing lingerie and gyrating like strippers gets you a whole lot farther a whole lot faster?

It must be a liberating thing to know that you, Simon Cowell, can literally throw anything at the wall and have it not stick, but take just long enough oozing down said wall for you to make millions off the backs of children already unfortunate enough to be stuck with parents more interested in being their cool friend than laying down the law.

Earlier this year, we celebrated the 40th Anniversary of the release of Pink Floyd's legendary album Dark Side Of The Moon, an album that remained on the Billboards Top 200 Albums chart for over 740 consecutive weeks, selling over 50 million copies.

Meanwhile, Simon Cowell continues to foist product upon the world that serves no other purpose than to keep the Syco Music pop assembly line operating 24/7.  Heaven forbid he stop the machine and merely wait for the next truly talented group to come along when he's got a license to print money.

Just because you can fleece someone doesn't mean you should, Simon.  Shame on you.

Superior St. Rehearsal Facility


  1. NO talent lip synching future strippers and waitresses of America Music was OVER as soon as Cobain made it "cool" for 6 weeks to suck be ugly have no actual musical ability and write god awful quickly forgettable "songs" The shtogun blast to the face was the only good sound they made

  2. clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap Standing ovation on that!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Im curious what got removed....i only see praises on here...did u remove some good old critisism??

    2. Author = Mister X. I cannot find the original comment and will probably not be able to sleep tonight as a result.

  4. Best article I have read in ages.