The Shittiest List I've Ever F#$%ing Seen!

I know this is a music blog and all, but I just had to share with you one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read in my life.  The article of which I speak emanates from that shining beacon of journalistic integrity known as TripAdvisor, which recently published a list of the Top 10 Cities For Pizza.

Now, I know what you're thinking: It's not a matter of if Chicago is on the list, but where?

I mean, it's common knowledge that we Chicagoans live in one of the absolute best cities for food on the planet.  There is literally no genre of food that we do not do well, but pizza is where we truly excel.  Okay, I'll say it: I'm excited to see where Chicago is on the list.

TripAdvisor's list of The 10 Best Cities For Pizza reads as follows:

1. San Diego, California

Can you guess which city TripAdvisor wants you to visit next?  For most of the country, a flight to San Diego is gonna cost more than one to Chicago.  Never mind that I've had better pizza in Irvine, CA.  Next.

2. Las Vegas, Nevada

Sigh, there is nothing that Las Vegas does better than mediocre imitations of real places and things, food is no different.  Who are you going to believe, me or someone whose fun is paying $180 to take the missus to see Carrot Top?  Okay, Metro Pizza does serve up a mean platter of seasoned french fries, but because they have the word "pizza" in their name, I was kinda hoping pizza was what they did best.

3. Boston, Massachusetts

Okay, I got no fight with this one.  Boston makes a decent pie, not that anyone from New York City will ever admit it.

4. New York City, New York

The second best pizza city in the world, no fucking way should they lose out to Las Vegas on ANY list.

5. Seattle, Washington

Hmm, I'm not feeling this one.  The food in Seattle is a lot like the weather, murky and bland as fuck, no offense.

6. Austin, Texas

Total BS.  I've lived in Austin as recently as last summer and I have yet to find a decent pizza joint.  BBQ and Tex-Mex food, sure, but pizza, not so much.  A buddy of mine has lived there ten years and he's still looking, too!  Any tourist who eats pizza in Austin is wasting a valuable opportunity to go gonzo on the aforementioned BBQ.  Either that, or they're the sort to order Chinese takeout in Paris, too.

7. San Francisco, California

Okay, I can agree with this one.  San Fran does a lot of things right, food-wise, and they're slowly getting the hang of pizza, but #7 sounds about right for now.

8. Indianapolis, Indiana

Are you fucking kidding me?  he only schmucks crazy enough to visit Indianapolis are more than likely wearing a foam finger and some other team's football jersey.  They've been drinking warm Bud out of a plastic cup since six in the morning.  What do they know about anything?

9. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Again, I'm not feeling this one.  At all.  Pittsburgh is much better, but, hey, who vacations in Pittsburgh?

10. Phoenix, Arizona

No. Fucking. Way.  Phoenix is where people who ate lead paint chips as a child go to vacation because Vegas is too fast-paced for them.  There is literally nothing to do and nowhere to go in this town other than some T.G.I. Chili's "Margaritaville" franchise that lures you in with day-glo margaritas and then charges $20 for a microwave pizza.  Considering that most customers just got finished golfing on the surface of Mars, anything is bound to taste good after that, right?

Okay, did you just see that?  Chicago's not even on the list.

I mean, you don't have to be from the city to know that Chicago is one of the absolute best food cities in the world.  There is literally nothing that we don't do well, food-wise, but pizza is where we truly shine.  There is literally no pizza point within city limits that does not serve up one mean-ass, mouth-watering pie.  Sure, we're best-known for the deep dish, which I realize is not everybody's favorite, but we do all styles of pizza well, even New York-style.  The fact that Chicago isn't even on the list makes anything else the list might have to say completely suspect.

According to the press release, the list was "based on reviews and opinions from TripAdvisor travelers. Top spots were determined based on the highest average rating by city for all restaurants that serve pizza."

On paper, that might seem like a great way to compile a numerically sound list of the best cities for pizza, but when actual human eyes see that Las Vegas placed higher than New York City, somebody in a position of power has to step in and nip this shitty list in the bud.

Of course, TripAdvisor went ahead and published the list without even bothering to read it, obviously.  I've never said this before about any journalist, but I honestly think that the person who wrote this article couldn't be bothered to read their own list.  I mean, they write press releases for a living.  Nobody reads any of their other press releases, otherwise they would have been pulled aside for slipping "Help me, I want to kill myself" into the press release touting the release of the website's latest mobile phone app.  They're resigned to spewing the necessary search words onto the page before moving on to the next press release that they presume nobody will actually read.

But then they got careless.  They literally began to think that they could write anything and that nobody would notice.  They also probably started walking through rooms like a ninja, sure that their invisibility translated to the real world.  See that gal eating pizza off another person's plate like she's invisible?  Well, she writes press releases for TripAdvisor and, quite frankly, must be stopped from ever compiling another list for as long as she lives.