Top 10 Best Rock Books That Don't Actually Exist - BUT SHOULD!

1. The Big Book Of Rock Festivals

If it exists, I haven't seen it: a coffee-table book with shit tons of great pics from all the major rock festivals around the world...and don't forget the US Festivals!

2. Courtney Love by Courtney Love

An excerpt:

"BARbre owevs mWe mnoiey, Grehs oves we monye..."

I was lucky enough to be on the Velvet Rope back in the days when she would still occasionally log on and post some of the longest rants I have ever seen.  Thing is, under all the narcissism and drugs (one of which renders anything she types almost unreadable) is one of the greatest living storytellers of our time.  Unlike #4 below, most are complete figments of her vivid imagination.

3. "I Banged Yanni" The sordid groupie tales that have nothing to do with Motley Crue, BLECCCH.

It's jarring to think about, but the most beautiful women I've ever seen in one place were at a John Tesh concert.  And, yes, John Tesh has groupies.  No wonder the guy always looks so fucking relaxed.  And Yanni?  I'll bet that guy's moustache has some very interesting stories.

4. "The Shit That Didn't Make It Into My First Book" by David Lee Roth

DLR's "Crazy From The Heat" was a page-turner full of his wit (can you imagine this guy back in Vaudevillian times?), wisdom (!) and lust for life (dude climbed Everest, among other buxom peaks). Diamond Dave wrote that he turned in a bulking manifesto to his editor who then whittled down to the robust final product.  I wanna see the stuff that didn't make the cut.  I mean, this guy goes to Trader Joe's and has more fun than most of us do all month.

5. "Please Help Me, I'm Trapped In Margaritaville!" The David Cassidy Story

The poor guy seems to be trying to drink himself to death. I mean, it's Fort Lauderdale.  Who wouldn't be drunk 24/7?  Even so, what's the story that I seem to be missing here?  Has he been abusing drugs and drink all these years, but still somehow managed to keep his squeaky clean image, or is this a recent and sudden development spurred by...something major?

6. "Investment Tips For Young Musicians" by Lars Ulrich

Remember that scene in "Some Kind of Monster" where Lars sells some of his collected artwork at auction for MILLIONS of dollars?  Well, he started collecting while still a semi-struggling musician while also amassing a decent portfolio, from what I hear.  Sure, he's a dick, but he's a rich dick.  Teach us, master.

7. The Complete Trouser Press

We all remember the essential Rolling Stone "Cover To Cover", which recreated in digital format every single page of every issue of Rolling Stone magazine from the very beginning, even the ads, right?  Well, Trouser Press was the NY-based alternative rock magazine whose greatness would be more well-known if, you know, we could revisit those heady musical times and the writing that brought it all to life.  And for bonus features, include all the TP Record Guides!  

8. Johnny Depp: Rocker

I once heard Depp say, and I'm paraphrasing: "Inside of every matinee idol is a rock star dying to get out."  Depp should know, as he was a musician before he found his way to fame as an actor.  I'd like to hear about his rocker exploits, up to and including cutting that P record with Gibby from the Butthole Surfers.

9. "Bein' Me" by Steve Jones

I've loved this man from the first moment I heard his searing guitar, which literally ripped all the KISS posters off my wall, and loved listening to him on the radio out in Los Angeles.  I hear he's on KROQ now, but, fuck, the stories this man could tell.  There better be plenty of dirt on Chequered Past!

10. An obsessively researched and exhaustively detailed tome on a band that only a handful of people (myself included) care about, but those who do will LOVE this fucking book.

Hmm, let a Top 10 list linger on the hard drive long enough and one of your dream books is bound to happen. In this case, Mary E. Donnelly and Moira McCormick pair up to bring us the 474-page story of the Zion, Illinois rock band Shoes.