Our Thoughts On A Post-Menopausal Alanis Morissette Singing "You Oughta Know" And The BEST Advice Nobody Tells Young Artists!

If you think about it, all major artists, regardless of their genre, get locked into a single snapshot moment of their career.  That moment, of course, is dictated by their period of greatest chart success.  For example, The Knack were forever locked in time the moment "My Sharona" spent its sixth week at #1.  It was the sort of monster hit that could easily kill the career of a lesser band with nothing to match a fluke of musical perfection.

That they managed to scored immediately with another monster hit in "Good Girls Don't" is proof of their musical superior to 99% of their peers who went on to have lengthy careers of mediocrity.  I like to imagine if "My Sharona" hadn't happened, would The Knack have been as successful if "Good Girls Don't" had been their first single.  Would it have been seen as lightweight and flopped, or would it have given them something to build upon.

As I smoked a cigar on the patio and wondered if today would be our last day of Indian Summer, one of those ridiculous Barcalounger motorcycles sped lurched past blaring Alanis Morissette's "Hand In My Pocket."  I sat incredulous for a good minute or so as Morissette's recognizable howl trailed off, but could still be heard at what I presumed was now a great distance.  I wondered what it's like to be Alanis.  She's obviously matured and mellowed over the years.  Could you imagine her out there singing in ALL CAPS like that in her fifties?

In a way, that would be bad-ass and I'd probably respect the hell out of her ... from a distance.  Regardless, she's almost forced to revisit her younger, openly neurotic self every time she does a shed tour.  Alanis has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle - Malibu estates and fashionable French merlot bought at auction don't pay for themselves - so every summer/fall she tours the biggest rooms she can fill (she played the Riv a year ago yesterday) and, in doing so, summon up the energy each night to blast into those bratty "Jagged Little Pill" tunes.  I mean, try as she might to go "unplugged" or revamp some of her more popular songs, people will always want to see her tearing around the stage and ripping her hair out.

Still, you must admit, when you found out "You Oughta Know" was about Uncle Joey from "Full House", you threw up in your mouth a little.

The idea of an impressionable young girl lured to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood by her dreams of rock stardom only to be chewed up and spit out by "funnyman" Dave Coulier.

Hell, he must have been hanging out at the bus station back then, just picking them off one-by-one. "Yep, it's really me.  Can I drive you somewhere?"  Teenage Canadian girls probably found him cute and HILARIOUS.  I mean, what else do they know besides Michael J. Fox and Bob & Doug?

While it's widely known that Carly Simon wrote "You're So Vain" about someone in particular (which makes the line "you probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you, don't you" the most perfect bit of lyrical mind-fuckery EVER).  Her true genius, however, was keeping the person's identity under wraps.
That way, jilted lovers everywhere could still identify with the song. As a result, she has enjoyed a lengthy career of singing while we try not to stare at her nipples, which never fail to make an appearance.

Like you, I was stunned when she finally re that the song was written after a brief but passionate affair with Dave Coulier.

The ones I feel most sorry for are, although I really don't, are those hair-metal guys.

See, the one thing you never think about when you're a rail-thin 26-year-old headlining stadiums and shagging anything that moves is "How silly am I gonna look in this outfit thirty years from now?"

Poison, Ratt, Motley Crue, Aerosmith, all those guys got locked into a very detail-intensive look, full of tight leather, crazy hair, tons of make-up.

But no other band fucked themselves harder than KISS did.  Can you imagine how many times those guys have put on and taken off all that make-up and those costumes over the years?  Thing is, they'd actually managed to distance themselves from it after they took their make-up off.  The hilarious part was that when they finally did take off their make-up, Ace and Peter were gone, so we were supposed to be blown away by, uh, seeing Eric Carr without his make-up?

Which makes me wonder how gracefully Lady Gaga will age in front of a public that will always demand she revisit her younger, more clothing-free self.  Watching Madonna wander into her mid-fifties hasn't been pretty.  More than anything, thought, It makes us realize that we are ALL getting older and that youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.

Oh, Madge, we had some good times, didn't we?  Just please don't tell us you wrote "Open Your Heart" about Dave Coulier, okay?

Every so often, though, comes an artist or two you just can't wait to see hit that career wall.  You can just tell that they have NO fucking IDEA that they won't always be 23 and that someday the young fans will just...move on.  But will I feel sorry for a mid-fifties Taylor Swift having to wind herself up to yodel her way through a song she no longer identifies with at the grand opening of some new Soft Rock Resort and Casino in Istanbul a day before Christmas?

Will you when you find out that YOUR favorite Taylor Swift song was written about Dave Coulier?  Come on, you didn't see that one coming??

Okay, we've now reached the ADVICE portion of our sermon for today.  Now, before you dismiss this tidbit of advice, thinking it'll never happen to you, let me remind you that you should be so lucky.

First, don't release any song you won't feel stupid singing in thirty years.  Good problem to have, right?  Ask The Bangles every night they have to play "Walk Like An Egyptian".

Secondly, keep right on penning that bitter break-up song that will change your tax bracket forever, just promise never to tell ANYONE who it's about, okay?

Last but not least, DRESS RESPONSIBLY!  Are those skin-tight pink leather pants something you wanna be greasing yourself into twenty years from now?

I rest my case!

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