Talentless Mofo Or JJ Grey And Mofro? What To Do When Your Friend Invites You To A Kid Rock Concert!

"BUUUUUUUUURP!"

DEAR "THE SHIT": A close friend has asked me to go see Kid Rock with him, but I literally cannot stand Kid Rock or his music.  I mean, I really fucking hate that dude's music and fear that if I am stuck in some hockey rink for three or more hours forced to watch that dude dance around like he's the second coming of Bob Seger or Skynyrd, I may have a nervous breakdown.  Thing is, he's a good friend and has his heart set on this. Meanwhile, I am literally hoping that either I or Kid Rock strokes out and dies before then and, well, that's just no way to live. What do I do?

Great question, my friend.  As we get older, it gets harder to make new friends so you've got to hold on to the ones that you have, which can occasionally mean that you wind up doing something that isn't the most fun in the world.  If your friend is really looking forward to seeing Kid Rock with you, for the sake of the friendship, you may just have to bite the bullet.  Who knows, you may wind up having some fun.

Okay, that concludes the Ann Landers portion of my response.  Here comes the cold, hard truth.

You cannot go to that Kid Rock concert.  It will literally kill your soul.  

At the first opportunity, take your friend aside and tell them, in the politest way possible, that you abhor the very DNA that allows for such a creature as Kid Rock to even exist, that he has no vocal range AT ALL, that every song he writes is a blatant rip-off of "Margaritaville" or "Sweet Home Alabama", and, thus, the prospect of spending three hours stuck in a hockey rink watching some twitchy, methed-up version of David Spade pretend to have talent is not your idea of a good time.

Your friend will invariably ask why you never mentioned this before, at which point you look them straight in the eyes and say

"I WAS BEING A FRIEND, YOU DILWEED. That is what friends do. I'm sure that in the time you and I have been friends there's been at least one time when I suggested a restaurant that you may not have necessarily been in the mood for, but you rolled with anyway because THAT"S WHAT FRIENDS DO.

That's not one of these times.  I would sooner help you dispose of a dead body than go with you to see Kid Rock.  This is not fucking Chipotle dude.

Having said this, I will make a deal with you:  If you'll come with me to see JJ Grey and Mofro at The Vic Theatre this Saturday and if, after watching Grey and his band effortlessly reach a musical and emotional high ground the likes of which Kid Rock can only dream about, and you STILL want to drag my ass out to see Kid Rock at Dollar Shave Club Pavilion in freakin' Tinley Grove Estates later this summer, I'll go with you,