Kanye: This is the beginning of the new world.
Jay-Z: (overheard chatting with Daft Punk) ...change the course of history.
Roomful of millionaire pop elite all toasting one another, psst, Madonna just showed. Air kisses all around as the Material Girl makes her perfectly-timed entrance. Chris Martin looking nervous. Jack White's eyes dart about the room as if Dan Auerbach might jump out from behind a fern at any moment with a samurai sword.
The camera cuts to all the stars gathered around a table now. Madonna looks bored, really bored. Like, why the fuck did I agree to do this?" bored. Minaj is pouting and not one pop mega-star looks the least bit happy to be there.
Well, except Chris Martin, whose machine-gun smile shoots blanks.
We're just thirty seconds into the commercial and already the general consensus is that being rich and famous is a fucking drag. Poor Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Is that the sentiment that Tidal was going for when shooting their launch commercial?
Thing is, this commercial confirms the one thing I know to be true about Jay-Z and that is that he just flat-out throws a lousy party. Anyone who gets invited to a Jay-Z party goes in thinking "Holy shit, Jay-Z!" and leaves shaking their head at the lameness of it all. The flash to a screen of other stars showing up via webcam was probably a bad idea. I mean, if Madonna can fucking show up, why can't Alicia Keys forego the flannel?
What they should have done is kept the Yellow Tail wine flowing and the cameras rolling. Show pop's 1% getting DOWN.
"Oh shit, Madonna just flashed her ass at Rihanna! This shit is ON!"
"Jack White just punched a Daft Punk!"
"Whoa, check out Chris Martin and Madonna doing lines off Beyonce's back."
If they'd have shown THAT, fuck, we'd have been lining up around the block to embrace Tidal. I know, I know, there's no waiting in line, but you get my point. We'd have seen our stars getting wild, blowing through their money like a dump truck barreling through a nitroglycerin factory, and begging you to use Tidal so that the artists get paid and Madonna doesn't have to take a part time job at Spearmint Wino to make ends meet.
Instead, they showed the musical equivalent of the G8 summit, Jay-Z grabbing the mic and living out his fantasy to lead a board room full of yawning millionaires through the latest quarterly report...page by page...diagram by diagram.
Jay-Z:...Right now, we need to write the story for ourselves..
No dude, for once you need to throw a party that doesn't suck, man. For once you need to make it SEEM like it's not about you and your accountant looking for a deduction.
I see Jay-Z, I see his old lady, I see his MONEY, but I never see either of them having any FUN. If you want this thing to be a hit, make it seem FUN. Geez, what a wasted opportunity.
"Bro, one of the dudes from Kings of Leon just put Chris Martin in a garbage can!"
"Rihanna's naked in the jacuzzi again."
"Dude, MILEY'S HERE!"
They had two minutes to wow us, to make us WANT to "hang out" with them enough to pay for the privilege. Tidal is a PAY service, after all.
Instead, they shot a commercial that looked like every major pop star stuck in a dentist's waiting room with the TV blasting CSPAN and that, my friends, is why Tidal is doomed.