5 Things I Never Wanna See When I Go See A Band!

1. Keytars

Can we get one thing straight, please? Keytars are not cool, even when used in an ironic manner. I remember when I first saw the Cars in-concert and diminutive synth-man Greg Hawkes stepped out from behind his array of keyboards and strapped on a keytar. The poor guy, after sitting on a stool for the first hour of the band's set just wanted to stretch his legs, but, in doing so, he scarred this writer - and many others in the audience, we can presume - for life.

Having said that, there is one, and only one, exception to this rule: Devo.

2. Flying V's

Look, Flying V guitars are cool as shit, but if the wrong band or musician plays one, it throws off the whole aesthetic. Don't believe me? When people ask me what kept Husker Du from finding the mass audience that they deserved, my answer is simple: he was the wrong guy to be playing a Flying V, the same way Paul Westerberg would have been if he'd have strapped one on.

A few bands who CAN pull off the Flying V: Skynyrd, KISS, Eagles of Death Metal.
Bands who CAN'T: Everybody else.

3. Three Chicks And A Dude

I dunno about you, but anytime I see a band with one female member, the rest of the band immediately becomes invisible to me. I'll bet good money that I am not alone in this, but when you flip the equation around and see a band of all women, but there's one dude in the band, all I can think about is how fucking lucky this dude must be. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. Okay, sure, he may be romantically involved with one of the gals, but, even if he isn't, he is the absolute envy of every dude in the audience. In other words, we hate him, the lucky bastard.

4. Pyro

Ever since the Great White tragedy, I am always completely dumbfounded any time I see a band still using pyrotechnics. Any band that remains convinced that their performance just won't "pop" without some pyro needs to consider that by employing pyro, you are taking an entire audience's attention off of you and on the nearest fire exit.

5. Singer-Songwriters Who Tune Their Guitar Between Songs

There is a good way and a bad way to tune your guitar between songs. The good way is to have your roadie do it, the bad way is to BUY A GUITAR THAT STAYS IN TUNE. Most annoying of all are those who ignore the entire audience for what seems like an eternity while they tune away.

Then, of course, there are those who make a few jokes about having to tune their guitar or have some pleasant banter at-the-ready while they perform this task, but it's still annoying. I've seen Cheap Trick dozens of times, yet I've never seen a band member tune their guitar onstage.