Five Things The New Guns 'n' Roses Reunion Needs To Succeed!

A couple days ago, we were assured that yesterday would bring an official announcement from the band's camp that Guns \n' Roses were, in fact, reuniting their original line-up for an extensive 2016 tour.

Yesterday, of course, came and went with no announcement, which is just so fucking Axl, if you think about it. I mean, can you imagine this guy ever keeping a doctor's appointment, much less start a press conference or stadium show on-time?

"Sorry doc, traffic on the 405 was insane, then finding a spot in the parking garage was a beeeyotch."

"Mr. Rose, your appointment was SIX MONTHS AGO!"

Thing is, the minute somebody's PR person fed a story to the press about Slash and Axl being on speaking terms again, you just knew something was up. After all, Axl doesn't talk to anyone he doesn't absolutely have to, which might be great for the local pizza delivery guy, but not for anyone unlucky enough to find themselves managing his career. The fact that he was no longer screening Slash's calls surely meant his bank account was running on fumes.

So combine a suddenly chatty Axl with not having seen Steven Adler bobbing for apples on some fifth-rate celebrity reality show and you just knew a reunion was in the works.

Of course, now that the worst-kept secret is all but official, here are the ten things this writer needs to see from the GNR reunion.

1. No Matt Sorum. (And, while we're at it, no seven minute drum solos).

Since nothing has been announced, we're only able to speculate that Adler will be drumming for GNR. For all we now, Axl might not even remember Steven Adler ever being in the band, meaning that he'll give Matt "Swing And A Miss" Sorum the nod instead. Sure, he played on the Illusion records, but if he winds up taking part in this reunion instead of Adler, that will be almost as big of a kick in the nads to the fan base as VH trotting out Eddie's son Wolfie. Sorry, but if you want our blessing, Axl, give Adler the one moment he's been dreaming about since he got clean.

2. Play only tunes from Appetite!

Seriously, the worst song from Appetite For Destruction is better than the best tune from either of the Use Your Illusion albums. Plus, does anybody really need to hear "November Rain" live?

3. All Izzy, no Dizzy.

One of the other rumors we've heard is that Izzy's only coming back for select dates on the tour. Sorry, but considering that Izzy was such a large part why Appetite For Destruction was the swaggering Stonesy gem that it was, for this reunion to truly rock, he's gotta be all-in on this one.

As for longtime Axl sidekick, Dizzy Reed, who joined when Axl started filling the band with yes-men, let him sit this one out because nobody except Dizzy's mom would miss the sight of keyboards at a Gunners show.

4. Start with some small shows.

The band should take a page from the Stones's Voodoo Lounge tour that saw the legendary band interspersing intimate club gigs in-between mammoth Enromo-Dome shows. Maybe in the case of GNR, they blow off some of the cobwebs in small clubs - charge $1000 a ticket if they have to - because this was a band whose early club shows were legendary while their arena shows were totally hit-and-miss.

I mean, seeing GNR at the Rosemont Horizon with high-tech video screens and all the happy horse shit that comes with it is about as edgy as a Motley Crue sippy cup.

5. Axl has to be able to sing the songs.

Last time we caught Axl and his rag-tag team of Hired Guns 'n' Roses at the Hard Rock Hotel, he was so winded by the second tune that, for the rest of the night, he seemed to be trying to catch his breath. Additionally, he seemed to view many of the band's best melodies with open contempt, deciding to sing 'em his way, instead. That's just not gonna fly this time around.

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