Ten Observations About The Coldplay-Bruno Mars-Beyonce Halftime Show!

Full disclosure: I sold a shit-ton of "Coldplay Sucks" t-shirts in the days leading up to #SB50 so it 's not like I didn't see this coming, but even I was unprepared for the level of corporate suckitude that would soon be on display once the Broncos and Panthers departed for their respective locker rooms and the "Up With Coldplay" could begin.

Okay, on with the observations:

1. The constant (and loud) fake crowd noise pumped into the mix. Don't treat us like children. Nobody could possibly be going that wild during a Coldplay song.

2. The gaggle of excited tweens that rushed the field whose job it was to feign rabid enthusiasm for the duration of the performance, but who, by the mid-way point, all started to get that desperate "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" look in their eyes as their arms grew heavier and heavier.

3. Nothing against either of them, but it's way too soon to be inviting Beyonce and Bruno back for their second turns as Super Bowl halftime performers, if you ask me.

4. Was Beyonce trying to set a world record for relying upon the largest number of backing dancers to give her the illusion of, I dunno, importance? Who goes "Hey, they want me to play halftime at the Super Bowl? Forget musicians, get me 30 backing dancers STAT!"?

5. Coldplay performs "Viva la Vida", "Paradise" and "Adventure Of A Lifetime", but not "Yellow" (although Chris sang one line from it at the very beginning), "Clocks" (again, Chris plays just a smidgen

6. Coldplay and Beyonce actually collaborated on a song ("Hymn For The Weekdn") for Coldplay's new record. You would have thought that this would have been a good time to play it.

7. So glad to see Mark Ronson take a break from ripping off the Gap Band to spin some wax during Bruno's performance.

8. No matter what band it is, the guy up on stage pretending to play along to the prerecorded tracks always looks like he's never held a bass before in his life. 

9. We get it, Chris, you're a nice guy who gets his teeth whitened. Now play "Yellow" already.

10. Coldplay's performance was so lacking that they actually showed footage of other band's halftime performances. So much for Chris Martin's claim that they watched all the previous Super Bowl musical performances in order to could come up with something different.