|It may not be directly related to this post, but you gotta admit this pic is funny.|
Ted Cruz "Illegal Alien"
While Ted's citizenship isn't in question, his "natural-born" status will soon be once somebody sues this shit-face in order to settle once and for all whether he has the roght to continue tarnishing this great country as a candidate for the highest office in the land. Having done our research (constitutional law was our major in junior high), we're confident that any sane court will not only rule Cruz ineligible to run for president, but also ineligible to be an American citizen based on his truth-free and divisive stance on, well, everything.
Jeb Bush "Clap Your Hands"
We actually had the good fortune (!) to watch two pundits argue over which Bush brother was smarter, Jeb or Dubya. It should haunt each and every one of us in our sleep that anyone could find either Bush brother smart enough to operate heavy machinery, much less run a state or local government. Once asked what his favorite song was, Jeb responded "The one that goes 'Paddywhack give the dog a bone.'" Please clap.
Ben Carson "I Need A Doctor"
Ah, if only Doc Carson had the clackers to use a Dr. Dre tune as his theme tune, something tells us his GOP money men would get their knickers in a bunch, but he'd not only get the African-American voters but also the millennials. Of course, if he doesn't do something to regain the momentum he had earlier this year, he'll need a priest to administer last rites.
Donald Trump is a lot of things, but all but one of them are bad, very bad. From the day he was born, Trump was a kid who would be afforded every privilege, whether he was worthy or not. While other young men were dying in Vietnam, Trump managed to weasel out of serving due to some made-up foot ailment that he no longer even remembers. Now, I dunno about you, but if there was a medical condition that kept me from losing said foot, not to mention my life, in a horrific land mine explosion in Laos, you can bet your sweet ass I would remember it. Trump doesn't. He just remembers all the chicks he banged on the dance floor at Studio 54 and how he proudly stiffed all those contractors in New York during the '80s.
Mario Rubio "He Wasn't There"
One thing you can say about Marco Rubio is that, for someone who can't be bothered to show up for the job that he campaigned to get, he sure does spend a lot of time not doing it. Even when called out for being the most absentee senator in all of America, he responded - and we're paraphrasing here - "Fuck you, I want to be President." When Rubio first heard the story about the guy who didn't show up to work for six years and nobody realized it until they gave him an award (for attendance, I hope), Rubio is rumored to have asked to interview for the position should his presidential race not pan out.
Bernie Sanders "Revolution"
Now, we're actually dead serious about this one. The Cult's "Revolution" is a song that stopped us in our tracks when it came out thirty one years ago and has remained largely unknown ever since, The album on which it appears, Love, tends to be remembered more for "She Sells Sanctuary" and "Rain", but this hidden gem magnificently captures the energy and emotion of a true revolution and, thus, seems tailor-made for the Sanders campaign. If that chorus doesn't have you imagining the campaign commercial of all campaign commercials in your mind, nothing will.
Hillary Clinton "Revolution"
Seeing as how just about every facet of Hillary Clinton's seems to indicate that she has taken the title of Icicle Works' 1987 album If You Want To Defeat Your Enemy, Sing His Song to heart. Quickly realizing that her own stances on popular issues of the day is increasingly unpopular with Americans, Hillary has gone to great lengths to minimize the creativity and passion of the Sanders campaign by essentially stealing his message. So why stop there? Why not steal his theme song, too?