1. "Hi, first and foremost, we're an American Band. However, if Trump wins, we're a fucking Canadian band."
2. "As of the Oscar telecast, Dave has literally run out of awesome ways to promote himself as the everyman rocker we would all love to have a beer with, so if anybody has any ideas."
3. "Get ready for Season Two of HBO's Sonic Highways, where each week, we get lost and ask for directions."
4. "Dave isn't breaking up the band, just laying a few guys off 'til people put their fucking phones away.
5. "Taylor Hawkins has been traded to Smashing Pumpkins for Jimmy Chamberlain and a player to be named later."
6. "Dave will be leaving the band to throw his hat in the Presidential ring just as soon as he decides on a platform - and a hat."
7. "Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Grohl has gone missing. Perhaps coincidentally, a Canadian all-girl Iron Maiden tribute band called Run To These Hills made their live debut with a new singer calling herself Courtney Killedkurt, who, witnesses claim, bore a striking resemblance to our beloved Dave. if you have any information short of making us go to Canada, please contact our management immediately at 1-900-WHERES-DAVE."
8. Dave once promised that if David & David ever got back together and made a second album, he would either break up the band or slow dance with Rosie O'Donnell to the strains of Billy Vera's 'At This Moment'."
10. Just kidding, but we will be making an album without Dave. Hey, where is everybody going?