The Year In Rock: Our Predictions For 2013

Hey, since everybody else is talking Best Albums of 2012, we figured we'd go in the completely opposite direction and share our visions for the Year In Music, 2013.  Mind you, if even one of these comes true, we'll probably require a change of underwear.

Styx will reunite with Dennis DeYoung and, by the time all is said and done, everybody knows it was Tommy Shaw who'd been the dick all along.  "JY", while gruff, is a merely a follower of dicks.  Wait, wait, no, that would have been Chuck the bass player, not that there's anything wrong with that.  Anyway, they need to bury the fucking hatchet because there was no greater band circa The Grand Illusion.  Seriously, my music geek buddies always argue about which band had the greatest "four-album run".  Let's see, The Grand Illusion ("Come Sail Away", "Fooling Yourself, and the bombastic title track), Pieces of Eight ("Blue Collar Man", "Renegade"), Cornerstone ("Lights", "Boat On The River", "Babe"), and Paradise Theater ("Rockin' The Paradise", "Too Much Time On My Hands", "The Best Of Times"), yet the name Styx has never come up.

I saw Styx a couple years ago (don't judge me) and, without Dennis, they were trying so hard to come across as a hard rock band.  They almost seemed to thumb their nose at the DeYoung songs the audience demanded they keep in the set list.  You could tell Tommy always wanted to be a rocker.  DeYoung's more classical and flamboyant vision for the band must have driven him crazy.  That shit needs to stop because Styx was never a hard rock band.  They were STYX and there was no one else like them.

Which reminds me, what the hell ever happened to the Butthole Surfers? Did Gibby die or something?  If he's still alive, as far as I'm concerned, then so are the Surfers.  New Buttholes record in '13!

Zooey Deschanel will release a solo album featuring a cover of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".  Thinking the song is about him, Death Cab For Cutie's Ben Gibbard will knock back a bottle of NyQuil, sleep for three days straight, and wake up to a suicide note he barely remembers writing.

There will be at least one time this year when you hear a Gary Numan's "Cars" and go, "Fuck, that song is the shit."

More people will laugh at DJ's for considering themselves artists.  Dude, you play records.  Here, I just faded one movie into another using two vintage DVD players, does that make me an artist, too?  Those who say yes are liars, but I'll put you on the guest list anyway.

Radiohead will release an album called "Caveat M".  The CD itself will be blank, but nobody will notice because those who always brag on their Twitter and FB pages about buying the new Radiohead album hardly ever bother to listen to it.  Radiohead will launch their "Caveat M" tour, bringing no instruments.  Instead, the band will merely sit onstage reading old copies of Melody Maker while a sound man plays a Sigur Ros record backwards.  The crowd will go freaking bananas because the last thing they want to do is be seen by anyone else "not getting it".  When the band leaves the stage, the audience will proceed to the nearest merch table in an orderly fashion and pay $50 for blank souvenir t-shirts.

Milli Vanilli will be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Superior St. Rehearsal Facility

1 comment:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.