|Taylor Swift is obviously in on it, too. Good on her.|
That's because we looked out for the special kids. I presume it's still okay to say "special"? How else could you explain Stephen's record of consecutive inside-the-park home runs - a record that still stands to this day? This kid may have been "slow" in other areas, be he was to dodgeball what Hammerin' Hank had been to baseball. When he passed away at the age of 21, his parents made sure to bury him with the ball on which we had scribbled "Dodgeball Home Run Champ 1980" in black marker.
I had somehow managed to keep it together, but when I passed by the open casket and saw that dodgeball, I just lost it. The poor kid had been dealt a shtty hand at birth, yet he smiled more than any of us. Anybody who fails to note the irony of that may need to reconsider who the "slow" people might be.
In the years since my graduation from high school, I have seen the special treatment that we bestowed upon kids like Stephen passed on to so many other "special" people.
The case of Kanye West touches me most of all.
See, Kanye was born with a tin ear. but that hasn't stopped him from pursuing a music career. The fact that he also suffers from AD-HD, Tourette's, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome would be enough to crush the dreams ofa normal person, but Kanye is no normal person.
Nope, he's the sort of special person for whom complete strangers are compelled to join in on the ruse. While such a collective pulling of the wool could be deemed as quite cruel in other instances, the fact that we're all in on this worldwide act of deception so as to never ever hurt the feelings of Kanye West is enough to restore anyone's faith in humanity.
4.5-star review (out of a maximum 5 stars), music critic Jon Dolan celebrates the idiosyncratic genius of such lyrics as "I am a god/So hurry up with my damn massage/In the French-ass restaurant hurry with my damn croissants." (from "I Am A God") and "We get this bitch shakin' like Parkinson's" (from "On Sight").
His kindness even extends to opening the review by reciting Kanye's first successful rhyme that doesn't involve some variation of the word "fuck": "You see it's leaders, and it's followers/But I'd rather be a dick than a swallower." Nice work, Jon!
Indeed, it's a proud day to see that the entire world is in on this universal act of kindness and that someone completely incapable of even accidentally creating even the most remote hint of a melody is hailed as a "genius" and the "voice of a generation" while living the life of kings. I admit to losing faith in mankind from time to time, but to see the length to which millions of people will go to nurture West's fragile psyche, some going as far as to not only buy his new album, Yeezus", but to also remove it from its shrinkwrap and play it.
Of course, Kanye is noit alone in this special treatment. We humans have enough love in our hearts to also not allow an equally special woman like Kim Kardashian get down on herself. To see she and Kanye not only find each other in this crazy world, but to start having (and naming) children of their own is just an incredibly touching and awesome time to be a human being.
So how's the new Kanye album, you ask?
THE VERDICT: "Yeezus" gets TWENTY STARS out of a possible TEN! Nice going, Kanye!