Flashback Friday: 5 Songs A Man Can Play For His Lady After He F*cks Up!

Let's face it, we men are built to piss women off one way or another.  The crazy part is that deep down they know they need us.  Otherwise the wedding they've been planning since the age of four will never happen, they'll never have kids, and that whole dream of an endless rut of soccer practices, minivans and spilled juice boxes will never happen.

Now, we men could just walk around with an air of superiority and wait for them to come to us (HA!), or we could learn the art of apologizing without really apologizing and actually get laid again.

Here's where things get a little tricky, though.  By nature, we men are horrible at apologizing.  It goes against everything we stand for.  We're hunters and gatherers, therefore, apologizing is seen as weakness.  As hunters, do we apologize to the fish we just yanked out of the river, or the juicy steak we just devoured?  Hell no!

Unfortunately, though it goes against our chemical make-up, the sooner we males of the species learn the fine art of saying "I'm sorry", the better our life will be in the long run.

Too bad most of our attempts to do so end up getting us in even more hot water.

Here's the solution...so pay close attention, bitches.

Don't actually apologize.  That's right, I said "don't apologize".

What I want you to do instead is play your lady one of these five songs.  It'll be up to you to choose which one based on what your lady likes and which one best lends itself to the situation at hand.

See, unless you've got a real oddball on your hands, chances are your lady likes music.  And like most women, she responds to lyrics that touch the heart and all that crap.

I guarantee you that by playing your lady one of these five songs the next time you do something really stupid, she will forgive you without you ever asking for it.  Trust me.

Alright, so here we go.



Daniel Powter - Come Home

Yeah, this is the guy who had a HUGE hit with that song "Bad Day", which "American Idol" and every Top 40 radio station in the country beat into the motherfucking ground.  Chances are that even if you initially liked that tune, the massive amount of overkill it got has made you never want to hear another song by this guy as long as you may live.  Your lady, though she may nod her head and say she agrees with you, thinks otherwise.  Deep down, she probably still likes "Bad Day" and turns it up whenever she hears it in the car.

Play her this song the next time you piss her off and she decides to spend a week at her parents house.  Be warned, though, once she hears this song, she will come rushing back home to you so don't play it until you're absolutely ready for her to come back.  In other words, play it a day or so after you have the guys over for a night of poker and prostitutes.



Eels - Little Bird

Okay, the use of this song requires a little bit of strategy.  Let's say you and your lady are going through some tough times and have decided to "take a little break".  It's been about two weeks or so and none of the gals you thought you had lined up have panned out so you start to miss her and want her back in your life.

What you need to do is send her an email with this song attached.  All you've got to do is put "Miss you, Sweetness" in the Subject line, and maybe a little note that says something like: "Been thinking about you".  The shorter, the better.  The more we men say, the more we stand the chance of putting our foot in our mouth.  That's why if you can do the "man of few words" thing, by all means, milk it for all it is worth.

This song, like a lot of E's work, is deceptively simple and heartfelt.  The delicate musical arrangement of the song will instantly appeal to her and the lyrics will slowly work their magic on her.  By the time E sings that first "God damn, I miss that girl", she'll be getting teary-eyed at the thought of you sitting night after night all alone, reading poetry and crying yourself to sleep.  She doesn't have to know that you've really been spending your nights at the strip club chasing after girls named Nikki and Mercedes.



Brandi Carlile - The Story

This song's been out a few years, but it's still a stone-cold stunner of a tune.  It's best used on a lady who hasn't already heard the tune, but that's not to say it won't also be effective on a lady who has heard the tune before.  Heck, I've heard the song a gazillion times and that line where she suddenly goes from singing softly
to really belting it out right in the middle of the first verse just kills me every fucking time.  Fer crying out loud, I know it's coming and yet it pulls my beating heart right out of my chest, so imagine the effect it'll have on an unsuspecting listener.

I actually used this song to get me out of the doghouse the time I got super-drunk and started nuzzling this girl with huge fake tits right in front of my lady.  I get that way when someone else has been buying rounds of drinks all night and I've lost count of how many drinks I've had, so sue me.

Since my lady drove us there, and I was in no shape to get behind the wheel, I was left with no other choice than to ride home with her after she pulled me out of the joint.  Once in the car, I knew apologizing was futile.  After all, she'd caught me with my hand in the cookie jar.  After a few minutes of absolute silence, I yanked out the Brandi Carlile CD and put this song on.

Within seconds, I could feel the air go out of my girlfriend's angry sails.  By the end of the song, I see a teardrop run down my girl's cheek.  I think "uh-oh", but then she asks me in a soft voice, "Who the hell is that?"  I know that voice and know she reserves it for when she is just too blown away for words.

Then she tells me to play the song again.

An hour later, we parked the car on this scenic overlook not far from our apartment that gave us a postcard view of Hollywood at night and, well, to say that we made up would be putting it mildly.



Natasha Bedingfield - Try

I'm not a huge fan of Bedingfield, but this isn't about me, or you, for that matter.  When I listen to this song from Bedingfield's new album, Strip, I just can't imagine a woman not being moved by the sentiment of this song.  There's nothing new here, no lyrical revelation, or earth-shattering melody, but Bedingfield just absolutely sings the fuck out of this tune.

And let's face it, playing your lady a song that ends with a lyric like "Don't throw us away just because we're broken/Cuz anything can mend" is gonna hit the mark, no two ways about it.  Hell, part of me looks forward to the next time I fuck up with my girl just so I can play this song for her.  Maybe I'll throw a pair of red panties into the washing machine with her whites tonight...



Gary Allan - Alright Guy

On more than one occasion, I have had a woman so mad at me that she can't see straight and, yet, right smack dab in the middle of a real shitstorm I have somehow managed to make her laugh.  To be honest, given the situation, I had nothing to lose.  Reaching that point is actually kind of liberating.  You know that apologizing ain't gonna save you at this point so, what the hell, may as well inject a little humor into a no-win situation and see what happens.

In other words, when all else fails, try a little humor.

This ditty, a cover of a Todd Snider song that surpasses the original in my opinion, is bound to crack your lady up and, in doing so, shed a little light on the troubles we men have "being men".  We can't help ourselves, we're built to mess up.  This song isn't just funny, it's educational and my gut tells me it'll work like a charm for you if you are blessed to be with a lady with any sense of humor to speak of at all.